THEN to NOW Leadership Shift #3: Tough on Results, Tender on People
How to Be Tender on People? Get to Know Them by Asking!
Some of the most common complaints about bosses I have heard over the course of my career are the following:
“He does not even know my spouse’s name.”
“She does not know I am taking care of an aging parent.”
“They don’t know I am training for a triathlon.”
Perhaps you can add your own example here. Many of us have the misconception that being tender on people means we need to bare our soul or let them cry on our shoulder. That is not the case. Our people are simply looking for signs we know they exist beyond the required work they do for us . . . that they matter and we care.
What do you know about your reports’ spouses, children, or aging parents?
What hobbies and activities do they enjoy?
What aspirations and plans do they have for the years ahead?
These might seem mundane and simple. But paying attention to their answers and truly retaining a bit of information when you ask them questions can make all the difference. It really is the little things. We all want to be heard and seen as a whole person and not just as a working bee.
Our virtual work following the pandemic has made it even more important to be intentional about these “get to know you” conversations. Long gone for many are the days when CEOs and interns could at least share a quick water cooler conversation— and this is a big loss.
One of the things I institutionalize at all the places I work aims at making sure we all get to know one another better on a personal level. I give everybody on the team thirty minutes to share an interest of theirs with the team. I did this in my academic career, with business teams, and during my peacekeeping command. There is only one guideline: you need to be passionate about whatever you are presenting.
During my peacekeeping command in the Balkans, we learned:
what it’s like to be a chef in a busy downtown hotel in Bangkok,
what the life of a professional DJ is like,
the passion one team member had for her picturesque mountain hometown,
the work of an airplane mechanic,
the thrill and excitement of skydiving,
and much, much more.
Most importantly, though, we got to know one another on a more meaningful level with a deepened appreciation for one another. As a result, trust and cooperation improved within the group.
Getting to know your team members as people helps you to apply the “platinum rule of leadership.” The Golden Rule states that you treat and motivate others like you want to be treated and motivated. The platinum rule says that you treat and motivate others how they want to be treated and how they want to be motivated.
